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december 11, 2006
dear melinda
-
my brother, peter, 46, lacks direction in becoming successful. he came to
me 9 months ago with no home, no vehicle, no job, no cell phone, and a possible
bi-polar problem and a problem with alcohol. would you please talk to him
about getting his life started in the right direction. he knows iam writing
to you, but doesn't know i told you all the details.
sincerely,
my brother's keeper, CA
dear my brother's keeper -
i appreciate that you care so much for your brother and are seeking help for him - you sound like a great person. i am guessing, too, that you are feeling a mix of sympathy and frustration toward your brother, too, and for this you are completely justified.
while i would like to help, it's your brother that would have to reach out to me, not you. a great truth about changing one's life is that the desire to do so has to come from the one who needs the change - organically and completely. very often, a catalyst for this desire is encouragement from an outside party, but the only way to ensure success is to have the effort supported from within. in short, i don't think i can help your brother at this time, as i have not heard from him directly.
moreso, based on what you told me, i am not sure that a life coach would be the starting point for helping your brother help himself. working only on what you told me, it sounds as though the first step would be to stop enabling peter's behavior. for nine months, it sounds as though he's been dependent on you, and as long as he can get away with it, my suspicion is that things will remain status quo. i am not telling you to turn your back on your brother or suggesting you kick him out, but perhaps you could give him a strong deadline by which he needs to be out of your house. you may dislike this idea because you love him and feel responsibility toward him, but it's because you love him that you may need to do that.
next, i agree he needs to speak with someone about his life direction, but i believe that person might have to be a doctor. bipolar disorder and alcoholism are both real and serious diseases, and no amount of "coaching" will help him until he is properly diagnosed and supervised. once he sees a doctor, you may learn that he is not bipolar after all, which would eliminate that excuse and possibly open the door to another explanation for his behavior that might be easier to manage. no matter what, i believe that consulting a doctor, be it a psychiatrist or a general physician, is a vital step for peter.
finally, i encourage you to consider that you and peter may have different definitions of success, and because his definition might be out of the norm, this has caused him struggle as he tries to fit into society and can't find his way. for instance, i worked with a man who came from a family of lawyers. everyone in his family was a lawyer, and he was expected to be one as well. even though his passion was art, he went to college and law school and graduated. he hated every minute of it, but it is what was expected of him. he worked in the family law firm after school and time and again failed the bar exam, forcing him to clerk and do paralegal work instead. his parents were disappointed in him and his siblings ridiculed him. he developed an alcohol addiction and could never sustain a romantic relationship. everyone in his family saw him as a failure. once day, on my suggestion, this man decided to do what he enjoyed and enrolled in a local art class and found his strength in doing so. he was able to tap into what he enjoyed and what he wanted in life and this gave him happiness and restored his self-confidence. next, he enrolled in a fine arts program and got his master's degree. he weaned off the alcohol and met a great woman at a gallery show. long story short, this man now owns a gallery in new york city, is married to the love of his life and is considered by all, including his family, to be successful. the point of this is to ask you if maybe you aren't projecting some of your own standards and values onto your brother or are expecting him to live his life the way you think he should...and i'm just asking, not accusing.
well, hopefully, this will give you a few ideas of how to help your brother proceed. just remember, that you can help him, but that he has to make the decision to make a change.
best wishes and good
luck,
melinda
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