M-POWERING PEOPLE TO DISCOVER THEMSELVES AND ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS!
WELCOME!
Wow!
It's already December…and this is the holiday issue of the monthly newsletter
published by
M-Powerment
Coaching Services! If you didn't read your November issue, you might
be wondering,
"What's M-Powerment?" Well, my name is Melinda
Zupaniotis and I am M-Powerment.
I am a professionally trained, experienced and passionate Life Coach who helps people create better lives for themselves by working on issues such as love, work, self-esteem, time management, goal execution and anything else that needs help. I work with people all over the world via telephone, but once a month, I come to your inbox through this FREE newsletter, discussing timely subjects, offering advice, and updating you on things that might be of interest.
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(I would hate to see you go, though, so before you leave, I encourage you to read this issue and consider if you found anything useful.)
In
this Issue:
HOLIDAYS
- THANKSGIVING AND BEYOND!
Speaking of "doing it all over again", I couldn't help but notice that the end-of-year holidays are but a few weeks away. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Eid-al-Adha or Festivus, December is a busy time full of parties, food and family. Unless you're one of those super-crafty people who thought ahead and booked yourself a 2-week stay in Hawaii at the end of the month, chances are you're going to have to "do it all over again" and see your family.
If your family tradition is to traditionally have unpleasant family gatherings, here are some ways to get through (and maybe even, enjoy!) the next one:
- Assess. Before the day, take some time to look back on other recent family get-togethers. What did you enjoy most about last Easter? Who brought what dishes to Rosh Hashanah? What caused the argument at your sister's wedding? Why did your uncle leave early from Thanksgiving? By recalling past events, you will have a better perspective of what to expect, and how to manage, what might happen at the next one.
- Troubleshoot. Without being a pessimist, think about what could go wrong, and come up with a strategy to "fix it" in order to keep the day running smoothly. For instance, since the Democrats won the House last month and since your Aunt is an argumentative, unrelenting, die-hard Republican, try to think of a change of topic in the event the conversation turns political. Or, since your grandfather has an affinity for Scotch that leads to a less-than-pleasant personality switch, try to keep Scotch out of the house, or if not, offer to serve it to him, and then water it down when he's not looking. Finally, if holiday preparations stress you out, you might want to avoid hosting the celebrations and instead simply bring a dish to someone else's house. But, if you insist on being the designated host, instead of driving yourself mad over every little detail of your holiday spread, make it easy on yourself. Buying some pre-made dining options from the local supermarket or specialty store, using festive paper dishes and plastic utensils, and asking people to contribute a bottle of wine to the feast will cut down on your work tremendously. You'll have less dishes to wash, less time in the kitchen and not a burned turkey in sight. (and if your mother doesn't approve, just remember that that's HER issue, not yours…)
- Be Diplomatic. Sometimes, it's best to swallow your pride along with your wine. Everyone has a different personality, and sometimes, different personalities clash. Even in a close-knit family, our individual preferences and opinions can come in between our thicker-than-water relationships. While the argument might be an old one, or even if it's normal for you and your brother to fight, remember that you are contributing to the comfort and joy of the rest of your family - third-party arguments set some observers on edge and can ruin their experience. To help your family remember your pecan pie instead of your pigheadedness, sense when an argument is escalating and nip it in the bud. If you're the one about to scream, stop and breathe (see hint #4), and just say, "you know, this probably isn't the time to discuss this." Or, if you are stuck between two cousins who don't see eye to eye, then diffuse the situation by reminding them of the occasion, or, if all else fails, suggesting they go outside. No matter how right you are, or how right you want to be, it might just be better to drop the subject and move onto to dessert!
- Breathe. Taking a deep breath or stopping to count to five really can help you manage stress, anger or sheer frustration. I outlined a scenario above showing how taking a "breather" could help you diffuse a potentially volatile verbal altercation, but it has other uses, too. Let's say you're in the kitchen helping your mother prepare an appetizer and she begins complaining incessantly about this, that and the other thing - rather than joining in with your own negativities or telling your mom to shut it (which is just rude), or getting so annoyed with the conversation that you do or say something you might regret, just take a second and then excuse yourself to another room. Or if you can't leave, then try to change the subject. Or if you can't do either of those, then put a smile on your face (see hint #5), nod and avoid saying anything.
- Smile. If, despite every attempt to make it pleasant, the family event turned out to be a bust anyway, just smile. Science has proven that the conscious act of smiling produces the same mood effects as involuntary smiling, i.e. forcing yourself to smile when you are sad and smiling when you are happy create the same emotional state. Therefore, it is possible to get through a bad situation simply by smiling. A smile may not make the family circus end, but it will make you feel better for a little while.
And while you're busy
breathing and smiling in a diplomatic fashion, do try to love your family
for who and what each person is. Sure, it may not always be easy, but
isn't it better to appreciate the time you have together now, rather than
regret not having enough time later? Happy Holidays!
FEATURE
ARTICLE: DECEMBER MEANS DECISIONS
If November meant No Excuses, then December means Decisions! The end of the year is a reflective time, but instead of looking to the past, let's look to the year ahead and make some important decisions to improve our lives in 2007.
What We Want and/or Need
"Those
who restrain their desires, do so because theirs is weak enough to be
restrained." - William Blake
These days we
tend to use language rather gratuitously, saying very powerful words in
a nonchalant, colloquial manner - "I LOVE these shoes", "I NEED to go
to that concert". However, while you might appreciate or admire the shoes,
you're not really in love with them, and while you might enjoy seeing
your favorite band live, you're not going to perish if you don't. Therefore,
the real meaning behind what you're saying is skewed. If we go around
using overambitious verbs like "need" and "want" to describe everyday
things of no true substance, is it really such a wonder why we have trouble
figuring out what's important in our lives? When I ask people, "What do
you want?" the responding silence is usually deafening. People have a
hard time focusing in on the things that they truly desire. We all have
catch phrases such as, "I want to win the lottery", "I want world peace",
"I want to have a baby"…but oftentimes, these wants don't have any sort
of execution plan behind them, making them nothing more than empty wishes
that will most likely remain as such.
So how do we determine what we really want and need? In order to create a realistic list of what's important to us, it really is imperative to first get a pen and some paper. I am a staunch believer in writing down important things, and now that we're figuring out what's important to us, it deserves to be written down.
My first recommendation is to brainstorm. Ask yourself the hard question of, "What do I want?" and write down everything that comes to mind. Everything. Even the things that seem silly. Even if your brain tells you that what you really want is to go water-skiing with Bono, write it down. This could take up 2 lines, or it could take up 10 pages, but writing down everything you can think of will give you the platform from which to jump. It will empty your head of those ideas and make room for the next step.
Once you have your list, go through it from the beginning, reading each item and really thinking about the importance, the priority and the potential of each item on your wish list. For instance, while we'll say there may be an iota of potential for you to actually go water-skiing with Bono (perhaps you have a connection...), in comparison with your desire to fix the leaking bathroom sink, Bono loses out on the priority list (though both items do involve a lot of water). Being realistic is important in this step, but I encourage you to keep some big dreams in there. Yes, you would like to go to France, and that is a very realistic want, but if you're a film maker and wanted to go to France to watch the premiere of your movie at Cannes, then leave that in there, too.
Now that you've culled your list so that it contains the things you want according to importance, priority and potential, you are ready to decide which item(s) you will tackle. If you're new to this process, then I would recommend taking a baby step and choosing one item only with a fairly high potential. This way, the likelihood of completing this goal is great and each success leads to the next one - it just takes that first win to get the ball rolling.
Making The Decision
Before we can make a decision to pursue our goals, we should know what
a decision really is. Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker and self-help
guru, has said that a decision is when you cut off the possibility of
anything else happening. In fact, the word "decision" is derived from
the Latin word meaning "to cut". If there is no other option, then successful
execution is basically guaranteed. Think about it - if you "decide" to
quit smoking (high importance, high priority, good potential) - and I
mean REALLY decide…then there is no other option. You will quit smoking.
However, I will warn you that until you hit that cut off switch in your
brain, you may have a hard time.
For instance, let's say your goal is to quit smoking because your family is worried for your health. This is a very good reason, but it's not necessarily your choice and so it may not be enough of a reason to flip that switch in your head. You may make a valiant effort to quit and stock up on patches and gum but statistics show that you have a high chance of falling back into old patterns and smoking again because you didn't "cut off" that option. However, let's say you had a particularly bad bout of bronchitis and your doctor told you that if you did not quit smoking, you have a strong likelihood of developing lung cancer and dying. With these black and white consequences laid out before you, you have a decision to make. You can quit smoking or you can take your chances and die a painful, early death. For the sake of this article, let's assume you would rather not die a painful, early death and suddenly, the switch in your brain cuts off your desire to smoke. Not only will you no longer smoke, there will also probably be no cravings, no withdrawals, no temptations to smoke as long as that decision is there.
So to make a decision, two things need to happen:
- The decision needs to be for you. You can listen to people's advice and recommendations and you can heed their wishes, but until it means something to YOU, you will not find lasting success.
- There needs to be no other option. If you decide to lose weight, eating outside of your weight loss plan is no longer an option. If you decide to get a new job, staying in your old job is no longer an option. If you decide to adopt a dog, not having a dog is no longer an option.
After the Decision
"Once
you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." - Ralph
Waldo Emerson
Mr.
Emerson and a slew of other very smart people can't be wrong. Once you
decide on something, it will happen. It's rather miraculous and requires
a great deal of faith in yourself, but it will happen. Some people call
this "visualization". If you can see it, you can be it. Personally, I
believe in this method. I've found that saying something out loud to make
it real, or putting an idea out into the universe, or imagining my life
with the decision in play, is actually the first step in the process of
achieving a goal. From there on, it's somewhat of a domino affect.
The trick to visualization is TRULY believing in what you're doing. Many people's downfall occurs when they don't believe that their decision has no other option. Remember the smoking scenario above? I said that the choices were "quit smoking" or "die". Given those choices, most of us would choose to stop smoking (I hope!). However, our brains are tricky and we might say to ourselves, "Yes, those are two options, but there's a third option - I could continue smoking and NOT get lung cancer." Well, I suppose this is possible. But it's a gamble. Our minds like to gamble sometimes, because it provides us with just enough of an excuse to avoid the work necessary in making a change. "I could get a new job, or I could just stick it out here at the old job and HOPE it gets better." That's a gamble. "I could eat well and exercise and lose 50 pounds or I could keep doing what I'm doing and MAYBE the weight will just fall off me." Definitely a gamble. Not even a gamble, really - more of a pipe dream.
The bottom line is, we can sit back and see how things pan out and "gamble" or we can take charge of our lives and make a change that will give us calculated benefits. I say, take charge!
If At First
You Don't Succeed…
"Whenever
I make a bum decision, I go out and make another one." - Harry S Truman
The
most important thing about making a decision - any decision - is to be
able to learn from your mistakes. The decision could be as big as deciding
to open your own business or as ordinary as deciding to make a left on
Maple Avenue. Either option may seem like a great idea, and either option
may be what you want at the moment, but you may find upon opening that
business or taking that left, that you made a mistake.
- The first thing that you need to do is congratulate yourself for taking the initial step. You made a decision and you saw it through which in and of itself is something that a rare few people actually do.
- The next thing to do is to learn from this mistake. What could you have done better? Where did your planning fail? Did you need more time, more resources? Do you need to rehash the plan from the start or can you pick up where you left off? Has this mistake been the catalyst to discovering another need or want that you never even knew existed?
- Finally, get up and do it again. Once you can see what lessons you learned from your last attempt, find the strength to start the process again. It may not be the same plan, it may not be the same idea, but the important thing is to continue moving forward, for as they say, practice makes perfect. In the end perseverance really does pay off.
No matter the decision, doing SOMETHING is the key. I encourage you to take just the first step and discover what it is you really want in your life. It may inspire you to actually go and get it.
Tune into January's
issue of this newsletter to learn more about planning a strategy in the
new year to achieve what you want!
Update! 'Tis the Season for Giving. In 2007, I will be an official Mentor for the Covenant House's Rights of Passage Program. For those who don't know, the Covenant House was established in 1972 in New York City as a safe-haven for homeless teens, and is now located in 15 major US cities and 6 international locations providing help to over 76,000 teens per year. Due to abuse, economic hardship or other environmental factors, the teens in the program are no longer with their families. In addition to food and shelter, The Covenant House provides them with a well-structured program of education, career counseling, fiscal responsibility and social skills.
I am so excited to be paired up with a young woman in the program! It is my hope to be able to use my skills as a Life Coach to help her discover her dreams and her potential and show her the steps she needs to take in order to achieve what she wants.
I
am also in the process of teaming up with other charitable organizations
and will update you on those in future issues of the newsletter. If you
are involved with an organization that could use my skills as a Life Coach,
Writer or Motivational Speaker, please contact
me to discuss.
Dear Melinda,
I wish you had an advice column so I could ask your opinion on some of the decisions I make in my life. Oh - it would also be nice to know that my letter would actually be answered, unlike some of those other advice columns…
Signed,
Wishful in Washington
Well, wish no more. I am adding a new "advice column" to M-Powerment.com. Feedback from you guys was that you wanted a forum to ask advice, but that the message board wasn't doing it for you… Beginning Monday, December 11th, the "Dear Coach" column will be launched as a button on M-Powerment.com. You will be able to write me an email with a question, and I will respond on the website within 24 hours. Your privacy will be protected and all emails will be answered.
CONTEST:
Help me name the new Advice Column!
I grappled with "Dear Coach Melinda" but that's corny. My boyfriend suggested
"M-Press of M-Powerment" and while I love when he calls me things like
"princess" and he treats me like a "queen", I thought "M-Press" (empress)
might be a little much. There was always, "To Whom It May M-Power"…but
I'm not sure. Since it was YOU who wanted the advice column, tell
me what you'd like for it to be called! If I choose your idea, I will
send you a $25 gift card to Amazon.com.
Sometimes it's so easy to give into the pressures around us and adopt a negative, cynical point of view. If you watch TV, it might seem like the world has gone down the tubes, losing all logic, creativity and humanity. Sometimes the state of the world seems like a futile mess that some other generation is going to have to mop up. Thinking this way, however, is dangerous, for we lose out enthusiasm, our drive and our childlike excitement for life, becoming a jaded society without hope.
I choose to look for great things happening in this world. Things that restore our faith that there is good and that justice still exists. Here are just a couple that I think are significant.
- The Media and
Self-Esteem. In an effort to remedy the epidemic of poor self-esteem
in young women, Spain had the foresight to require the models used in
Madrid's 2006 Fashion Week runway shows to have a BMI of at least 18.
While this number is still below-average ("normal" BMI for a woman is
between 18.5 and 24.9), it's certainly a change from the usual super-thin,
underweight, unrealistic images of the skeletal female form usually
adorning magazine covers and runways. Interestingly enough, when the
BMI's were calculated, 30% of the usual models failed to make the cut
and needed to be replaced, according to the Association of Fashion Designers
of Spain who proposed this positive change. Whether you're interested
in the fashion or message sent by Spain's mandate, this action got the
attention of the world. While other cities refused to do the same for
their subsequent fashion weeks, an important message was sent about
health and acceptance when it comes to beauty. See, fashion IS a "beautiful"
thing!
Additionally, one of the more popular, controversial and poignant messages of beauty is being forged by Dove, the manufacturers of such quality beauty products as soap, shampoo and deodorant, among other things. Their Campaign For Real Beauty is a foundation dedicated to helping girls and young women feel good about themselves based on who they are and what they can do, rather than on their physical appearance. There is still a lot of work to be done, for sure, but through speakers, acclaimed television commercials, parent-child programs, educational materials and provocative short films, Dove's Campaign For Real Beauty is making a positive dent in this very unfortunate and prevalent issue.
Check out: the Dove film on M-Powerment's Inspiration page. -
Need A Hug? Well, there's a guy from Australia who is spreading the love. Literally. It all began when Juan Mann went out into his local Sydney shopping district with a sign offering FREE HUGS. After a few hours of funny looks, rejection and police surveillance, he found his first taker and the movement caught on like wildfire. A touching video chronicles this first attempt and now YouTube.com shows a number of Free Hugs films from all over the world - some featuring Mann's continued international efforts and some created by cuddly copycats. In a time of war, hatred, selfishness and Internet isolation, maybe we all need a little human contact and a great big hug. More information about Juan Mann and his awesome campaign can be found at Wikipedia.
Check out: the FREE HUG video on M-Powerment's Inspiration page. - Improv, ImprovEverywhere(…and
not a Drop to Drink). Since we're talking about things that are
bright beacons of the positive, I wanted to acknowledge the work of
a New York City improvisation group called, ImprovEverywhere. They call
their participants "agents" and send out periodic "missions" (should
they choose to accept them) that involve things like having 200 people
shopping in slow motion in a busy Home Depot. Or sending 80 people into
a Best Buy store wearing blue polo shirts and khaki pants - just like
the Best Buy employees! They also do wacky things like the annual "no
pants" subway ride where a group of agents disperse on the New York
subway system, without pants and without shame, acting natural in their
boxers and panties. While I certainly appreciate the creativity and
bravery this group brings to each mission, what I admire the most is
that they remind us of the fearless approach to fun and play that we
had in our youth, but somehow lost at adulthood. As long as no laws
are broken, I commend this group and aspire to one day be invited to
be an Agent in one of their missions.
Check out: ImprovEverywhere video and web links on M-Powerment's Inspiration page.
If
December Means Decisions, then January Means Joy.
A lot of people make "New Years' Resolutions" or at least look at the
coming year as a time of chance to make some things happen. While there
are a lot of things people might want to accomplish, such as making more
money, losing weight, getting a new job or getting engaged, the overall
theme of all of our resolutions is "joy". We all want to be happy. In
fact, the United States was founded on the concept of happiness, and its
pursuit therein.
In January's issue:
- What makes us happy - scientifically
- Achieving happiness in your life by creating a plan
- Resolutions are out…learn how to achieve your year-long goals without failure or disappointment
- How to find joy in the little things in life
- And more
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